vertigo is about profound attraction. an excess of desire

Saturday, January 21, 2012

vertigo is about profound attraction. an excess of desire

-bhanu kapil, schizophrene (possible misquote)

the following has sex talk in it

the other day me and nic bravo we were talking about kink which is newly one of my (our?) favorite things to talk about. i think i just want to read about it, i said, i don’t think i want to do it. (meaning BDSM). i was showing her latex vacuum cubes which i’d just read about, imagining being sealed inside, the soft body with all the air sucked out, having spasms of horror/vertigo; like when we went on a fieldtrip to caves in sixth grade and i would not crawl down the mineral tube, but everyone else did: just looking was too much, the thought of getting stuck.

i was trying to explain what i mean when i say prude. which is absolutely a pro-sex position, or can be. it’s not about not wanting to say something, it’s about wanting someone to get you to say it. squeamishness and exposure. (the body being made naked. which is not the same as being naked)

nic said, that’s kinky.

i think it has something to do with shame

humiliation, that’s totally a thing.

totally a thing means it exists independently of you (me).

i was hiding in my sweatshirt while nic was casually typing in search terms on fetlife to show me that 87,000 people are interested in humiliation or something. and i was totally dying, pulling the hood of my sweatshirt tighter around my face, and i just wanted nic to keep reading and reading, and i would keep hiding in my sweatshirt, maybe forever

what kind of experience is talking about sex. for the prude. for the exhibitionist. for the blogger. how can poetics/sexuality incorporate elements of implication, denial, repetition, repression, disgust, vulgarity, sadness, and overshare. how can sexuality and a poetics both underlie something other than a stable identity and how/can that be made coherent in public space or should it be. can sexuality/poetics be about both consent and about what is not said.

THIS STILL DOESNT SAY WHAT I WANT IT TO SAY

which is too about yearning and desire

talking about sex might be about

what.

that’s hot.