“safety is a deep wide question”*
[warning sex and bad words]
what would it look like to speak differently. to each other as our animal/girl selves. sniff each other’s faces. the way the kitten climbs on its mother’s face. the secret kitten, that climbed up from under the porch.
the notebook like the body, exposed. its soft white surfaces and tender seam. writing in public is like taking off your clothes. the first time i went to the gym, self-conscious in my blue bathing suit, the long walk from the locker room across the nubby rubber matt to the edge of the pool, lowering myself slowly into the water, protected.
the girl said she loved but she knew it wasn’t right. she said it anyway, knowing that once it was over. the crying and prickly cunt. the cold coke you would drink in her bed from a red solo cup— she would feel stupid and small
for years the smell of her perfume, accidental, in public, would give you a stomachache. lying on a couch in prague, the old lady apartment you get to stay in for two weeks on Study Abroad, you would be drunk and find a corner of that couch that smelled like her, the powdery smell of cigarettes and ralph lauren blue. you would lie there listening to the velvet underground and smelling the couch and trying to cry
the girl is actually an animal. animals do not worry about self and same.
______
*someone in a writing workshop i facilitated once said that
Notes
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